i bet you're still a sucker for those famous faces [23 Jan 2006|03:28pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | nothingggg ] being home again doesn't feel so good.... wtf?!

I think we have an emergency. [12 Jan 2006|12:10am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | "Emergency" -Paramore ] Okay so lemme start out by saying i have the bestfriends in the entire world, and i do love them. HOWEVER. I apologized for not calling them, and I apologized for not thinking, and not running right to them. I've apologized. I've said I was sorry. They say they aren't mad, they are just confused. I don't understand. I just don't fucking get it. I feel as if I have no been made an outsider to a friendship that has become one of the biggest things in my life. I needed to get away. And I needed to get out and think and just get away from everything and everyone. They never did anything to me, so why didn't I call them? Because I couldn't face the dissappointment I had on myself. The embaressment, and the shame I had laid on myself. I didn't have enough strength to apologize right away. I needed to sort things out. And they don't understand. I know why I didn't call them, and I know that I personally didn't wanna see or talk to anyone. That's how my day started. And I went to alexs in the begining bc I needed to get the anger I had for him all out. I needed to vent and get everything bad in my life out, and away. I know everyone has their own problems, and I know I'm not really ready to talk to anyone about what happened to me, or what I am going through, or went through. I just want to know my bestfriends care. I know they care, I know they love me. But why can't they just then if they don't understand then cope. Why do they have to be so cold shoudlerish to me. I did what I did for me. And no one else. I am sorry for making them worry, and that's what I'm apologizing for. I'm not sorry for running off, and needing my space. I needed that, and if I had it my way, I would not have talked to ANYONE that day. It's nothing no one did. It's what I did. It's what I finally needed to face instead of pushing it away so I would forget about it. If I didn't allready feel like shit. I have to feel like my bestfriends are mad. I just don't understand how they, maybe I can't blame them. I'm not blaming them. I just want them to get where I'm comming from. Basically theres nothing to understand. Because if I don't understand how can other people. IM SORRY. I just don't want this weirdness anymore. I love those girls more than life. And I miss sara like crazy. I'm so glad she called today and we talked. I gotta see her before I go away. I leave saturday, and I wanna see my girls before I leave. I know Sara and I are okay. But I don't wanna leave on bad terms with Jen and Brianne. Those girls mean the world to me, and I hope they know that. THE ENDDDDDDDDDd wtf?!

i dont wanna pretend this is the end of you and me [08 Jan 2006|09:17pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | 'Everything I'm Not" -The Veronicas ] So basically. I had the worst weekend anyone could ever have. The bottom line to it all is, I can't even talk to explain, it's almost to personal where I can't even bare to tell any. Fucked up right? You're supposed to write, where no one can read it anyway, and you can't even do that. All I know is I'm going to be okay, it was a low part, and the only thing you can do when you hit rock bottom is work your way back up. With that said, I'll move on. Alex and I are back together, but on a break. Sounds weird right? Bottom line is, I got a voicemail from him saying that he wanted to me call him. One thing led to another and I ended up at his house. After seeing him cry, after having myself almost lose it again. I basically said you wanted this, and I left. I walked out. Made it half way down the block turned around and ran back into the house. I said if you want to be with my why can't you? Is it that you can't care about me? Are you to scared? The answer I recieved is he needs to do him. He needs to figure out his life, and with having me as his gf, he feels he can't give me the time I need, or he needs with me, and he won't be able to focus. But I told him I just want to help him, I believe in him. I know he needs to get his life together. I know I need to get mine together, but us being apart isn't going to make it easier. It's easier together. We have eachother when we need eachother the most. So the break was the best thing the two of us needed. We still have eachother, and we know we care about eachother, without the worry we are going to leave eachother, or the worry if one of us is mad at one another. He spent the day/night with me. When I was going throught living hell. He was there for me when I needed him the most. He is one of the most important people in my life. Laying next to him, falling asleep in his arms, is the greatest thing I could ever want or need. He is amazing, and I'm so lucky to have him in my lfe. 1 say your gay wtf?!

i'm miserable and you're just getting started.. [05 Jan 2006|08:11pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | charlie and the chocolate factory ] why is it that I always go back and write in this stupid live journal. it's like a part of my life that comes back when i need to write the most. it's weird, i've had this stupid journal for years now. yep. I feel like shit. I'm sitting at Sara's house and she's in the shower, and I'm feeling like complete and utter shit. I hate bullshit. I hate feeling this way. I hate thinking. I hate wondering. How can you care about someone and break up with them. "Intermission" Whatever you wanna call it. How can you tell them that the truth is you don't want to break up. I mean, it happens, and it did happen. I feel warm. I feel over heated. I feel drained. I just want him to be happy. I just want him to know I care. To know that I think he's amazing. I know deep down in my heart that he wants to be with me. I know this isn't what's suppose to happen. I want to be with him, I don't want to be without him. But I want nothing more than the best for him. He's one of the only people who listens to me. Gives me advice, cares, and means what he says. It was so hard last night. It's so hard now. It's gonna get harder. But eventually going to get easier right? Not all good things last forever? I just wanted to keep him around longer. There was so much more that could've happened. I just want to kiss him, I want him to hold me, I want to feel him. But I can't, I won't. And I know that. I understand that. I don't necessarily like that, but I can deal the best I can. Just laying there with him, knowing once I leave he was no longer mine. I should've walked out. I shouldn't of ran back and kissed him. I shouldn't of laid with him. I shouldn't of held his hand. But I wanted too. I needed to. I can't erase him from my life. I need him in my life, as my friend, as my boyfriend, as whatever. He's someone I can't lose completely. There's nothing left to say. I'm miserable. I just hope this is what you wanted. I know he cares. 1 say your gay wtf?!

march 31st eh? [20 Oct 2005|01:36am] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Rock Bottom" -Eminem ] So apparently, I'm sitting at my computer today realizing how much I hated not writing my feelings down into this stupid, unimportant livejournal. Honestly, I don't know if I'm gonna keep making all my entry's private, I have nothing to hide, and for all those who read my livejournal and have no idea who I am, on some shit, get a life. Okay. I'm basically writting in this journal again, to keep Sara updated on what's going on at home, because her phone bill was $700 and I don't want that happening again, and secondly, because I'm a fast typer, so it's easier to write things down on this, then all my hand written journals, even though I'll end up writting in there longer than here. Anyways. Life since, oh idk march has been, good. I suppose. I'm not gonna go through my months, just because it's pointless. I'll start with the present. New? Sara was home this weekend, and I just adore my bestfriend more than anyone in the world. I can't believe I lived a month without her. It's amazing we both have our own lives now, and it's just so reassuring to know that I'll always have her. She went home yesterday, and I hope she's having a super great time, and I hope to see her in the begining of November, if not, I'll see her when we go up for Cortaca. Other than that? Nothing really to special has been going on. I feel like I'm stuck. Like, I'm not really sure how to explain it, but you care for someone, and people tell you they think "happen", and then you just stop believing. You start getting negative, on things that should make you happy. I know now, that I'm not gonna wait forever for a guy to realize I care, or want to hookup, but then again, being me, I don't jump right out there, and make things super obvious, although at times I'm told I do. I'm not so sure what I should be doing right now, should I be thinking things through more? But thinking gets me no where. I wanna just let things go, see where things lead me in all of this. He knows I like him, that's out in the open, and I'm kinda safe to say, I feel the vibe back? But I'm not gonna bet on it. I don't want anyone to do anything, or be with anyone they don't want to be with. I don't wanna force something that doesn't wanna be forced. However, it's been known for so long, something like this was gonna come about, so maybe things will take there own course. I guess I'm impatient? Better yet, I'm nervous to not get my way again. I shouldn't doubt everything good that happens, and I'm not sitting here being miss negativity or anything. I'm gonna let him take things where he wants them to go. I can only get so hurt, because I'm not into anything deep as of now, and we'll always be friends, he's too good of a guy for me not to chill with him. Oy vey. It's 1:46am and I'm sitting here writting this. My human communication class for tomorrow is cancelled, so that means, no waking up at 8am to listen to this man drag on talking about himself for an hour and a half. I assume tomorrow should be a good day. I'm gonna go buy new sneakers with Brianne, and take a math test, which is mad easy. I guess the shoe shopping is the highlight of the day? Oh well. Friday, I babysit for Sara's newphews, who I adore, they are the cutest things in the world, and I just love them. And I make money off of something I'd probably do for free, because I love Sara's sister Melissa. Then friday night, pick up my love Jen, then my other love Brianne, and who the hell knows what we'll end up doing, probably the same old shit just a different day. Thinking it over, there's not much in my life I would change, probably just the fact that the 4 girls, is now 3 on the island, and 1 upstate, but we love and miss her all the same. I'm out. xO wtf?!

♥ [24 Oct 2004|12:48am] FRIENDS ONLY ♥ wtf?!

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